Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Jason was gone again. Out of his life. Just like that. Swooped in to rescue his little kitten, Christopher, and with one wink, was gone. There was nothing Mike could have done, nothing at that point he would have done.

Mike took a long sip from the glass of bourbon he had poured for himself when he arrived back to his office. He snorted into the quiet stillness remembering that Jason had taken away a drink just like this that long ago night, the night his father died.  At the time he thought Mike was just a snot nosed little brat who couldn’t hold his liquor.


But he supposed he was… back then. But oh, that night! So much had changed since that night. Everything was different. So many things had been broken, like promises, ties, hearts and even lives.
And now there was regret. Fucking regret! Why the hell had Jason allowed for him to believe his father had died by Jason’s hand?  Why? Did he think Mike was so damn weak, so fucking fragile, that he would have fallen apart had he known the truth?


Jason even told him the anger he had because of it, the fury he directed at Jason, the very revenge he vowed to take, was what ended up pulling Mike through all the grief, the guilt, and the rage. 

Shit! Damn you to hell, Jason! You could have had me. That is the true hell of it!  You could have taken me then but you fucked it up with your silence.

Even in that warehouse today, the place Mike had lured Jason to, the place where he was finally going to have his retribution, Jason could have had him.  Especially once he turned the tables on Mike, disarming him, holding him down the way he did, touching him, breathing into the back of his neck… Mike realized he would not have stopped him. Not today and not that long ago yesterday. 

But you knew that. You knew it and you used it against me.

He took another long drink, feeling the fire flow down his throat, the warmth starting to course through his veins. He knew that soon he would no longer care about Jason or the fact that at no matter what the cost he had come to collect his precious little kitten. For Christopher, Jason risked it all.

Ahhh, Christopher. Sweet, cherished Christopher.  What was it that Mike felt for him now? He had confused the hell out of Mike with all his words of encouragement and support, evidently secure, and rightfully so, in his knowledge of Jason’s love for him. And Mike thought it was enough just to have Christopher by his side, have command over him. It was like having one over on Jason who never allowed for such things. But then, somehow, Christopher took that control back. How was it that little twink suddenly knew more about Mike’s heart, Mike’s desires, Mike’s darkness, than even Mike did?

And when he finally figured it out, when Mike finally was able to admit to his own weakness, his needs, when he finally asked Christopher to stay, no longer out of any agenda or revenge toward Jason, but to stay for him, what the fuck good did it do?

Just like when Jason told Mike he didn’t love him either.  That all Mike really wanted from Jason was his acknowledgement, his approval, as if Jason were his father.  Well, that was a bunch of bullshit! Mike did love Jason!  Sure he wanted Jason to see him.  But…
Just… him. 
However, that was a long time ago and unfortunately time had always been a cruel companion because Jason, it turned out, had been right.  Mike didn’t get it, of course, didn’t figure it out until it was too late.

But did it matter anymore? Because Jason and Christopher were gone. Once again, to go down that road, the only thing he would find was regret.

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